“Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.”    Ezekiel  36:26    NASB
          
I was home recuperating from the tiring, depressing effects of a flu virus when I walked over to the window to look out.  Unexpectedly, I was blessed by a fresh understanding and sense of compassion for a young mother who, many years ago, in the midst of suffering the effects of a virus, found out she was pregnant with her second child.

A grave decision had to be made on behalf of her newest child.  The decision she ultimately made, to abort, was one that left wordless debris rotting beneath deeply buried roots—a debris field protected for over 27 years by an almost insurmountable series of deadening walls.

I was that young mother. Over the past two-and-a-half years, the Holy Spirit has gently led me on a journey of inner healing to excise these old wounds.  As I retrace the milestones in the gradual process of my healing, to date, I realize He prepared me and carried me to each of them.  He stitched together the compassionate prayers and guidance of others, the gracious love and support of Jim my husband of seven years, experiences I would not have thought to arrange or plan myself, and perhaps most important, He enlightened me with the intimate, personal healing properties of the Word of God.
At each step of the way, Christ was already there waiting to embrace me, sob with me, and then, forgive me—even before I was able to forgive myself.  Lately, He has been the encouraging Eyes, the warm Voice that is calling me to reach out and share the comfort He has extended to me with others (2Cor 1:4). 
In June 2003 while journaling, I “happened” to catch a radio broadcast about another family’s loss:  theirs, a full-term baby at birth.   In the midst of the broadcast, the Lord began to let me experience some of the depth of my true grief for my lost child.  Although my tears customarily come as a trickle…at most a stream, this time, as the thaw began in the part of my heart that had remained frozen and stone-like for years, these tears came as a terrifying, throbbing, mighty river.
Sitting there writing that day, I suddenly realized how alone I had chosen to be as a young mother…and my heart broke for the unbearable cost to my entire family.  And so did His.  He remembered the day I gave up a little one I never knew because a doctor told me the virus I had suffered from would destroy the perfection of the child growing in my womb. Jesus, through the Holy Spirit, let me know that I had to remember, too.  I had to remember that without even a prayer for validation to the Creator Who had given me my child, I had listened to the voice of an objective, detached medical expert.  I had not asked Him, My Lord and Savior.

For twenty-seven out of the 30 years since that grim, cold day, I had allowed my mind to dull the memory of it and “stuff” the pain of that moment in time.  It was as though the day that I got up from that cold, metal table, unencumbered by the life that I had carried in, I began to protect myself from my own barbs of accusation by a sense of denial that acted as an analgesic.  He knew this denial bought me an artificial kind of peace—the kind that cost me authentic joy and pain of living.   I realized at that moment, out of His pure love for us, He wants to give us His peace (John 14:27).

I felt His Peace around me. I repented.  He forgave me for all that was lost, all that was given up. In weakness, I submitted my life to Him and I knew I would begin to live a different life through Him.

I had been forgiven. Thus, He began to win for me, one of my life’s greatest challenges:  the struggle to forgive myself.  If the sovereign Lord of the Universe can forgive me, as surely as the day follows the night, I can humbly begin to forgive myself.  We are not worthy of such loving grace, but Love is the gift that He came to show us.  It is the gift He died to help us comprehend.

NOEL represents a manifestation of that kind of comfort.  While, as an organization, NOEL works hard to provide the individual and family with a broad spectrum of the best in life and family resources (in matters of human sexuality/abstinence education, support in crisis pregnancies, abortion alternatives including adoption referrals, and post-abortion healing through Bible study and counseling referrals), it is first a compassionate, rational presence with a pro-life message.  It is an organization of encouraging, dedicated people that our tender Savior uses in many, many ways as He not only redeems what has been lost, but glories in the multiplication of our loaves and fishes.

Anita Perreten attends St. James Anglican Church in Newport Beach, CA and wrote this story in response to a request from the NOEL chapter coordinator, Jann Dunlap.  We are humbled by Anita’s willingness to share her testimony.