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Have you ever stopped to consider the emotional impact that abortion has on a man? Do you wonder if those same types of nightmares keep him awake?
Psalm 27:14 “Wait on the Lord; be of good courage and he shall strengthen thine heart.”
If you counsel women facing unexpected pregnancies, you are certainly aware of post-abortion stress. Hopefully, your center has an outreach ministry to these hurting souls. Have you ever stopped to consider the emotional impact that abortion has on a man? Do you wonder if those same types of nightmares keep him awake? Maybe this is an issue that you’ve given little, if any, thought to. If this is the case, don’t feel guilty – you’re not alone.
Of the pregnant women you’ve counseled, possibly a majority of the fathers didn’t appear to demonstrate the slightest hint of moral or financial interest in the situation at hand. Further, many men have intimidated, pushed or even forced women into having abortions – just so they could resume their unfettered lifestyle. If that has been your experience, don’t be misled. There are a great number of men who have been drastically affected by an abortion decision. Many suffer in silence or aren’t even aware that a past abortion is the root of their problems.
Research on Men and Abortion
There has been precious little research done to document post-abortion stress in women. So, you can imagine how little research there has been on the effects of abortion on men. However, there has been some. The most comprehensive study to date involved 1,000 men who completed questionnaires in 30 different abortion clinics as they waited for their partner’s abortion. The result shows that eight percent or more have been deeply traumatized by the abortion.
To date there have been approximately 40 million abortions. That means we may have more than 3.2 million walking wounded men. Further, eight percent is a deceiving statistic because there are an untold number who are suffering significantly, but to a lesser extent.
Manly Instincts Damaged
God has programmed into man a desire to provide for and protect his family. A man instinctively knows that he needs to provide for his new offspring. Further, nearly every man, whether he verbalizes it or not, values the idea of carrying on the family name or bloodline. When an abortion takes place, these crucial, God-given instincts are often damaged or totally obliterated. This is typically the reason that we see the onset of symptoms of post-abortion stress. They say that the conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. The conscience, in a significant number of fathers who lose a child to abortion, kicks into overtime and wreaks emotional havoc.
Symptoms of Post Abortion Trauma in Men
In May 1996, a young man from Minneapolis was dating a woman with an 18-month-old daughter from a previous relationship. She became pregnant, and without his knowledge or consent, aborted their baby. Furious, he went to her house where an argument ensued and escalated. He pulled out a gun and said that because she killed his baby, he was going to kill hers. He then shot and killed the woman’s daughter in front of the mother. Then, in another act of cruelty, he took his own life. He allowed the mother to live to grieve the loss of two children – her daughter and unborn child.
Anger is one symptom that I believe is present in every father who experiences abortion. Further, this anger will cause a man to act negatively toward himself or someone around him, possibly an innocent bystander. Early pioneers of counseling fathers with post-abortion stress have coined the term “hooking.” A man may see, hear, smell or otherwise experience something that triggers a memory of the abortion. This memory is then often translated into anger, which is usually directed at the nearest person, place or thing. This can be experienced subconsciously, leaving both the perpetrator and victim in the dark as to why this negative reaction has occurred.
A man might also experience grief, shame, guilt and remorse. Insomnia may be a constant companion, as well as an overwhelming feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. He may exhibit poor coping skills or an inability to make decisions. His very core, the ability to provide and protect, has been seriously shaken. As a result, he may have little trust or faith in his other abilities.
A vast majority of relationships fail after an abortion, and future relationships are often difficult or impossible. Trust dies – soon after the unborn baby – causing many men to be apprehensive about making themselves vulnerable to another pregnancy with no control of the outcome. Some men develop sexual dysfunctions. They may turn to pornography and sexual self-gratification, which provide physical satisfaction but are free of the risk of commitment and pregnancy.
Alcohol and drug abuse are common tools to dull the pain. Men’s low self-esteem may result in promiscuity or being risk-takers – setting themselves up for defeat and getting what they feel they deserve when they fail. They may become workaholics to either avoid people and protect his closely held secret or to desperately succeed in an important area of life, countering their failure to protect their offspring. Other symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares or self-imposed isolation. Thoughts of suicide are not uncommon.
How to Help
Generally, it is more difficult for a man than for a woman to express his emotions. If a man does not talk or grieve after the abortion, it will be more difficult for him to express his feelings later on. Once he builds a thick wall of secrecy and denial around him, it is harder to reach him emotionally. Society provides little incentive for a man to grieve the loss of a child to abortion. First, mothers of aborted babies are afforded little sympathy from the professional psychological community. How much more will they refuse to acknowledge post-abortion stress in men? Secondly, society often implies that it is less than manly to cry or show emotion. Therefore, it is very difficult for a hurting man to grieve when there is a built-in bias against doing so.
Many men experience the symptoms of post-abortion stress but have not made the connection between their downward spiral and the abortion. It is sometimes helpful to share with a post-abortive man the typical symptoms, which, if replicated in his own life, may cause him to reconsider the root cause of his self-destructive behavior.
Most often it is best to have a man counsel a post-abortive father. He needs a safe and minimally gender-neutral environment in which to become vulnerable. He needs to know that he will not be judged or condemned and that everything he shares will be held in the strictest of confidence. Allow him to grieve his loss and shame. The grief is as real as that caused by the death of a two-year-old toddler. This was his child and, in his heart, he instinctively knows it.
Mark Twain said, “Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” This is truly poignant for post-abortive parents. A crucial aspect of post-abortion counseling is the realization of Divine forgiveness. This paves the way for forgiving others and – sometimes the hardest step of all – himself. Several good Bible-based counseling guides are available and can be used. [Heartbeat’s HEART program can be used with men. Call the Heartbeat office to order a copy.]
Challenge
Not long ago, a man in Southern California seemed to intentionally barrel his car through the fence surrounding the playground of a daycare center. He calmly sat behind the wheel of his Buick while children lay trapped underneath, bleeding and dying. Had a past abortion tormented him to the extent of irrationally acting out his anguish? Sadly, abortion most likely will not be considered as a possible mitigating factor. How many acts of violence, great and small, are in reality connected to a past abortion decision? The grim fact is that fathers of aborted babies are all around us. Many suffer in silence as they struggle to get through each day. Many sit uncomfortably in the pews of our churches. We must reach out to these hurting fathers and let them know that there is hope and healing.
Recommended reading:
Fatherhood Aborted, by Guy Condon and David Hazard, available through Tyndale,
www.tyndale.com
Men and Abortion, by C. T. Coyle, Ph.D. available through Life Cycle Books,
www.lifecyclebooks.com
Men Hurt Too, brochure by Bradley Mattes, available through Hayes Publishing,
http://hayespub.tripod.com
Other resources:
Father's and Brother's Ministries, 777 Panorama Court, Boulder, CO 80303, 888.546.0148
Men’s Abortion Recovery Ministries (MARC), 237 S 13th Ave., Coatesville, PA 19320, 610.384.3210,
wfbrauning@aol.com
Copyright 2002 Heartbeat International. Used with permission.
This is the fourth in a series on Post-Abortion Syndrome compiled Beverly J. Wilson. This issue was written by Bradley Mattes, a 27- year veteran of the pro-life movement, Executive Director of Life Issues Institute, an international source of pro-life materials and information. He counsels and provides a referral system for post-abortive men, and has written and lectured internationally on this topic.
